Just one more day...

So it turns out that my sickly feeling from the last time I wrote manifested itself into a physical illness, perhaps a cold of some kind. It's the first time I've been sick in years. It probably didn't help that I decided to play golf for 6 some hours on Friday. I think it was around 35-40 degrees out. It was pretty cold when it got dark. I even got to run a PFT on Saturday morning. My 3 mile time has increased by over 2 minutes from my best time during OCS. Either I'm getting fat, lazy, and slow, or I can say that my illness legitimately slowed me down. I'd say that Mr. Johnson would vote for fat and slow.

Anyway, this weekend was relatively uneventful. I slept a lot and didn't eat much. I have been getting really lazy about eating lately. I'll either just skip meals altogether or eat Taco Bell...I had Taco Bell for lunch/dinner tonight. It was delicious. It's amazing how bad my habits have gotten lately. Before, I'd never skip a meal, and I wouldn't be too lazy to cook something to eat. Also, I'd never resort to eating out more than once a week. I really want to get back to my normal routine, but things just don't feel the same as they used to. Is this what people mean by "letting themselves go"?

I spent a lot of this weekend lying in bed watching the TV show Bones. I like it a lot. Not quite at the same level as Angel or How I Met Your Mother, but it is addicting. On the topic of TV, I hope the writers' strike is resolved this week. Hopefully the current season's shows will finish with full seasons...I certainly don't want to get DVD sets with half a season's worth of episodes.

I will add one note, which I will elaborate on in a later post this week. The GOP candidate will be the next president. The Democrats screwed themselves. (this upcoming post will probably offend a great many of you...just don't whine about it)

I also did a little bit of thinking about what happened this past month or so. I've come to realize that maybe I'm just a boring person. Not necessarily a boring person to hang out with. I'll concede that I can be entertaining. But I'm just boring from the macro perspective. I'm predictable, non-spontaneous, and not very exciting. I'd even be bored with myself. Maybe that's why she left. There was a better guy who wasn't boring, who was more fun, who was better looking, maybe drove a better car, and whatever else. And time isn't helping. I thought it would. Mr. Johnson said it would. It doesn't.

Everytime I see your face,
Everytime you look my way.
Its like it all falls into place,
Everything feels right.

Ever since you walked away,
You left my life in disarray.
All I want is one more day.
Its all i need,
One more day with you...

45

It's almost 3 AM, and I have been sitting here in my room for the last 12 hours or so. I'm definitely starting to get that sick feeling in my body, and the last time I had that was back in my gambling days when I'd lose a couple thousand in a few hours around this very same time. Sometimes I'd even get to see the sun rise the next day. It's not really an ill kind of sick; maybe more of an emotional sinking feeling.

That weekend was probably one of the best weekends of my life, and one that I will always remember. I had an amazing time with my Marine buddies, the drunk pastor, and the guy who could sing Sinatra. And to my surprise, I met an amazing girl. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the uniform, but to this day, I don't know how it happened...and I don't think I ever will. But nonetheless, I had a great time that weekend. I just wish that that memory didn't have to be ruined. I did see the girl again, and it was just as fun each time. I guess the feeling wasn't mutual.

It would have been nice to know what happened, or what I did wrong, or whether there was another better guy, but I will not have the pleasure of ever knowing. The sudden, abrupt use of the 'no contact' card might be easy when you're the one playing it, but it certainly sucks to have it played on you. No explanation, no reasons; just limbo. As I mentioned before, this is not the first time this has happened. Rewind back almost exactly a year ago. In that case however, it was a more gradual weening off, and I guess I expected it to happen. This time, things seemed to be going so swimmingly, and then I get blindsided by a bus. A BT, to be precise.

On the other hand, there was something to be gained from this, as Mr. Bales points out. I recently read an article which talked about people always envisioning each date to be "the One". I used to feel that way...I mean, why waste your time dating if you don't try to make something meaningful of it? The major problem with this approach is that you tend to get attached much too quickly and try to hard to make someone your 'One' before you even get to know them. After my recent experience, I think I got my ass kicked by this very notion. Honestly, I guess I didn't know her all that well. I didn't really know much about her past. I based my feelings for her on just a few encounters. At the time, I thought that was enough. That's why we continue to see someone, isn't it? To learn more about them...? I still think it was enough.

However, right before said named no contact card was played, I did find out some rather interesting facts which would turn many other guys away. But still, I didn't let that stop me from wanting her. Maybe a mistake? You always see on TV and in movies the guy who falls for the girl who is obviously wrong for him, and all the people around him try their hardest to make him see it. But he is too blinded by whatever it is to see the truth. Everyone told me I should have walked away, but I refused to believe them. I always thought I'd have the willpower to see through the blinders and know when to leave. Not this time, I guess. I still wouldn't have walked away.

Now that I think about it, I really suck at all this. To make things worse, I find that I'm still missing her, and I have no clue why. I think it's the burning curiousity of what actually happened to warrant the sudden no contact that bothers me the most. I have my speculations, but after a while, that will just drive you nuts. They say that time heals all wounds, but in this case, the wounds seem to heal for a little while, then break wide open at random times, just when you think you're better. (i.e. right now...)

On a brighter note, I received my grades for last semester, and it appears I did really well. I also got a job offer at a DC firm for this spring. And finally, I'll be meeting Mr. Johnson and Mr. Bales in about a week in Colorado to tumble down a snowy mountain on a piece of wood. Other than that, I hate my life.


What ever happened to the young man's heart,
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart.

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life.

No real reason to accept the way things have changed,
Staring down the barrel of a 45.



I am about halfway through my second run-through of the Angel TV series. Easily my favorite show. Eclipsing Smallville in second would be How I Met Your Mother, which I've watched through three times now, and it never gets old. I highly recommend it, if only for Neil Patrick Harris's (Doogie Howser) character Barney Stinson. I think I need a Barney (you will understand this if you watch the show). I think everyone needs a Barney.

Well, it's now 3:30 AM, and I need to be up in two hours. Good evening.

I have no idea what to think right now. So many thoughts are running through my head, and I just want to forget about everything. Someone makes you think that you matter, and then all of a sudden, out of the blue, it's like you never existed. She was probably putting on a show the whole time, and she was never really interested at all. Just something to pass the time while looking for someone better. I guess she found that better someone. This is certainly not the first time this has happened...actually, I think it has happened in every single case.

This is probably why I hate the whole idea of dating. I don't think it's really worth it in the end. Yea, I think at this point, I will abstain from it forever. Yes, that is my final answer.

From Maroon 5:

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you.

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
So this is goodbye.


Of course, this is all speculation, and perhaps I am overreacting to something that's really nothing, but recent events just don't make any sense. Did I do something wrong? Or maybe she's fallen deathly ill? There's so many possibilities, but the only logical explanations are that either there's someone new or she was never interested. It makes sense to me.

Oh well, I think I'm going to go run in the 25 degree cold of night. I hate my life.

Your subtleties, they strangle me,
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants, and all the needs,
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls are breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best to leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
At least I fall alone.
I can't explain what
you can't explain.
You're finding things
that you didn't know
I look at you with such distain

The walls are breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best to leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight
won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Another Wasted Day

So I got my hair cut on Tuesday, and I am now realizing that it's a lot shorter than I originally wanted it to be. I suppose it will grow back. And it needs to be reset every now and again; it was definitely getting long...

I woke up today at noon and accomplished nothing. I didn't even play any Guitar Hero. I just watched TV and slept some more. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for finals. Not wigging out just yet. The night is young.

I just don't have any motivation to work right now. I just want to lay around, watch TV, and play Xbox. Maybe I should just let the Marine Corps provide the "motivation" by leaving law school and going straight to TBS.

I noticed that there isn't much on TV late at night.

I also noticed that I may need to revamp my current wardrobe of jeans and solid colored t-shirts. I might need some help with that. Maybe it's more trouble than it's worth. We'll see.


_____________________________________________________

I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me
I wanna take back all the shit that I have done
But I guess you were better off without me

I need to start to be myself
Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate


- Boys Like Girls, "Broken Man"

__________________________________________________________


I'm going to pull out my guitar now.

Good evening.

Three days in a row. You might have to expect daily posts now...

I realized Guitar Hero is a lot harder than I expected. Stupid easy mode. Even stupider hard mode. Still no progress with the studying. I guess I still have 4 whole days before my first final. I'm good to go.

So it's been 2 days since my relationship ended, and it's still kind of on my mind. Just a little.

Playing Guitar Hero makes me want to get back into playing the guitar again, but I will probably run into the same problem I had when I first started and was playing a lot. With no one else to play with, it's hard to stay motivated to play.

Not much else for tonight, hopefully I'll have more tomorrow.

Good evening.

Guitar Hero: An Epic Tale

So I went out and invested in Guitar Hero 3 for my Xbox 360. I should be studying for finals; and writing a paper. I suppose all that can wait.

I did a lot of thinking today about the last few days, and I keep wondering if I made a mistake. Obviously I can't go back, and as much as I might want things to go back to the way they were, I know deep down inside that it would never be the same. But ultimately, I think this is what I want...just to be by myself.

On a quick aside, I think I just fixed my comma key on my keyboard! Hooray!

I don't think I ever imagined that I'd say that. I had waited for so many years to be able to finally change my "relationship status" to anything other than "single". Then, when it finally changed, I couldn't wait to change it back. Are relationships overrated? Perhaps. Maybe it stems from that problem I mentioned before about wanting to feel sorry for myself. I think maybe I would rather people see me as the pathetic guy who can't get a date and never wants to go out. That's pretty messed up now that I think about it. I know that self-confidence is important to have when dealing with the opposite sex, and I think I can act like I have all the confidence in the world without ever believing it. Most of the time though, I don't bother. I guess like they say, "fake it 'til you make it."

I know this is random, but the sneaky butler guy from the Adam Sandler movie "Mr. Deeds" is hilarious. Here is a short clip. It made me giggle.



So after two whole days back from Jacksonville, I have accomplished absolutely nothing constructive. I played a lot of Xbox and watched a bit of TV. I think all that is because of the new HDTV I bought. It's pretty awesome. But not really. Seriously though, it's sweet. I suppose it's better that I start studying. A boy can dream.

On another note, I have realized that over the past week or so, I have been eating terribly or not bothering to eat at all. I guess waking up at 4:30 in the afternoon will affect the eating schedule. I might also have gotten too lazy to cook. And video games make you want to stay in the room and not bother with food. I am beginning to hate my life all over again.

A few days ago, Mr. Horse asked if I wanted to go to Atlantic City over the winter break. I haven't been there in what seems like an eternity (perhaps 2 years?). I gave up gambling a long time ago after I realized I had a bad problem. I also promised someone that I wouldn't gamble anymore. However, it seems like she dropped off the face of the planet. Part of me certainly does miss the sheer frustration, boredom, and agony of playing poker. Part of me also misses the luxurious sheets, huge bath towels, and overly expensive paper towels of the Borgata. Unfortunately, the AC trip is planned for the same day as the Orange Bowl down in Miami. We play Kansas. That is going to be a weird game. I kind of wanted to see Tech play Hawaii. Well, I really wanted to see Tech play Hawaii. It would certainly be interesting to see their insane offense go up against our defense. A boy can dream.

But going back to the AC trip; I'm not sure if it'd be wise to go. I'm not sure if I can necessarily control how much I'll ultimately be wagering. On the one hand, if I do well, it will only entice me to return to the game. If I fare poorly, it will only entice me to throw more money at trying to win it back as quickly as I can. You can see where this is going... We'll see. I could definitely use the trip.

After coming back from Jacksonville, I sorely miss all those times I had with my amigos back in the day. Whether it was a trip to the Borgata with George or Mr. Horse, or a wedding at the beach complete with drunken debauchery hours before my LSAT, I don't think I fully appreciated those times until now. I'm here in DC, and I don't get to have those experiences anymore, unless I'm going to Tech or North Carolina or whereever to meet up with Mr. Johnson, Mr. Bales, or my brother. I don't think I'm in an environment where I can make those same kinds of friends like I did at Tech. Yes, I'm still in school, but it's just grossly different. It's strange; when I applied for law schools a few years ago, I was intent on going to a school in the city (every school I applied for was in a major city). I figured I wanted a change of pace from Blacksburg, which has that middle of nowhere-esque feel to it. Perhaps it's because I'm not actually living in the city, but outside in the suburbs, but I actually hate it here. And I fear that the rest of my life will be the same as it is now:

1) Wake up at some ungodly hour.
2) Go to school/work.
3) Come home. Go to the gym.
4) Eat dinner.
5) BS on the internet/Xbox/TV.
6) Go to sleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Now that I think about it, I had a conversation with Mr. Johnson about how his daily schedule is basically exactly like I just wrote. But at least he has a few close friends from work that help to make life a little less miserable. I don't think I have the luxury of close local friends.

So the day after finals, I get to go on a boat ride with the family for 9 days to the Caribbean. I've never been on a boat ride for that long, so I'm not sure what to expect. I did some reading, and the average age of the cruise is supposed to be in the late 30's to early 40's. Can you say cougar?

Wow, I figured that this would be long, but I didn't think it would go on this long. Truly "epic". Heh. Two days in a row, too.

Good evening.

Lost.

I guess it's been a while for me on the ol' blog, and I could have never imagined the events that transpired over the past few months. I'm slightly at a loss for words, so this post may seem random at spots. By the way, the comma key on my keyboard is now broken, and it takes a little effort type them. Another by the way, I just poured orange juice into half a glass of Mountain Dew. It is still delicious.

So I was in a relationship for the first time in my life for maybe the past month or so. Unfortunately, that ended today. I'm still not sure what to think of it quite yet. It was an amazing feeling to know that someone was interested in me and part of me feels like an idiot for giving that up. As much as I want to think otherwise, she was right; I was more interested in the fact that I was in a relationship than I was in the girl. I was so caught up in the excitement of new things that I let that drive the furtherance of the relationship. After all the years of being passed over, I always thought that I'd be the ideal mate for whoever was willing, and now it looks like I'm just another one of those chumps that I make fun of every day.

Looking back, I'm wondering why I didn't have that "interest" in her. She was an attractive, funny, and nice girl; nice family and friends, good career, etc. Certainly a catch. I think one of the reasons was that there was no initial sense of pursuit or challenge. I never really approached her or came to her with interest in more. It just came to me kind of randomly. Maybe at that time, I was so frustrated with being single that I was desperate for anything. When an opporunity came, it seemed so appealing because I actually had an opportunity. Finally, and most importantly, I think I just wanted to be single. I know it sounds really strange, but part of me wants to stay single and alone forever. It's safe and somewhat comforting. Not to say that being with someone isn't great, but maybe it's just that I would rather feel sorry for myself. I always felt that no one would be interested in me, and I still feel that way. Even though the girl tried to make me think otherwise, this past weekend brought me right back to how I normally felt.

So this past weekend, I went with Mr. Johnson to Jacksonville for the ACC Championship game. It was a great game and probably the best time I had in a long time. So while I was down there, I met this girl who was a friend of a friend of a friend. She was pretty cool, and I got her number. One might think that she would have wanted to talk to me again, but I think the alcohol may have clouded her judgment. Normally at these social events, I stay as close to the walls as possible and keep to myself. That is, if I go. "Normally", I would be sitting in my room with the TV on. Actually, looking back at that night, I think I originally wanted to go to bed instead of go downtown. Anyway, it may have been the first time that a female gave me the light of day in public. I must admit it was kind of cool, and it made the night more fun than I would have thought it could have been.

I still haven't talked to this girl yet or contacted her, and I'm not sure if I want to anymore. During the ridiculously long drive home, I had time to ponder, and amazingly enough, I reverted to my old attitudes that no girl would ever be interested in me. Even if she was, it wouldn't be practically possible, since she goes to school at Tech. Mr. Johnson is right. It would be silly.

But at least that made me realize that I didn't have the feelings for my girl that I thought I had. A good thing? Well, it wasn't fair for her to be with someone who didn't share the same feelings or interest level. I don't think I was cut out for this. I think I'm better off back up on the mountain to tend to my gardens. Forever.

By the way, I think I need new shirts.

On another topic, finals are fast approaching. I need to learn constitutional law, criminal procedure, and federal income tax in exactly 6 days. Luckily, I haven't done a lick of work all semester. I also have a 15-pager on government patent infringement due in two weeks. I have a "rough outline". In other words, I have nothing. Every day, I think about just leaving law school, switching to a ground contract, and going straight to TBS. Maybe.

The protagonist in the book, 'Candide', always says that everything is for the best. I tend to agree with that view.

I think that is it for now. Good evening.

I won't try to philosophize
I'll just take a deep breath then I'll look in your eyes
This is how I feel
And it's so surreal
I got a closet filled up to the brim
With the ghosts of my past and their skeletons
And I don't know why
You'd even try
But I won't lie

You caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine
Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin?

And I feel a weakness coming on
It never felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around
And I'm feeling like a newborn child
Every time I get a chance to see you smile
It's not complicated
I was so jaded

And you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I'd like to apologize...

...for some of the things I said in my previous post. I certainly messed up when I left out many of the people I know here in DC that I would certainly consider my friends. I made the mistake of thinking only of the few people I knew from Tech that I had known for many years and shared many miserable times with. Everyone here in DC and at Howard certainly do mean a lot to me, and I was out of line to say that I wouldn't have considered you friends. I normally don't feel bad about anything I write here, in its candid and uncensored form, but this might be the first time I regret what I wrote. Again, I want to apologize for this; you mean more to me than you think.

Good evening.