Another Wasted Day

So I got my hair cut on Tuesday, and I am now realizing that it's a lot shorter than I originally wanted it to be. I suppose it will grow back. And it needs to be reset every now and again; it was definitely getting long...

I woke up today at noon and accomplished nothing. I didn't even play any Guitar Hero. I just watched TV and slept some more. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for finals. Not wigging out just yet. The night is young.

I just don't have any motivation to work right now. I just want to lay around, watch TV, and play Xbox. Maybe I should just let the Marine Corps provide the "motivation" by leaving law school and going straight to TBS.

I noticed that there isn't much on TV late at night.

I also noticed that I may need to revamp my current wardrobe of jeans and solid colored t-shirts. I might need some help with that. Maybe it's more trouble than it's worth. We'll see.


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I wanna run, but only far enough to make you miss me
I wanna take back all the shit that I have done
But I guess you were better off without me

I need to start to be myself
Cause I'm sick of everybody else

I won't let you bring me down
It's here and now, I'm breaking out
I will learn to love again
But I will stand a broken man

I took one big step and I looked away
And then I thought of all the things that I wanted to say
I'm always too late
You never got your story straight
I'm always up late
I think I'm everything you hate


- Boys Like Girls, "Broken Man"

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I'm going to pull out my guitar now.

Good evening.

Three days in a row. You might have to expect daily posts now...

I realized Guitar Hero is a lot harder than I expected. Stupid easy mode. Even stupider hard mode. Still no progress with the studying. I guess I still have 4 whole days before my first final. I'm good to go.

So it's been 2 days since my relationship ended, and it's still kind of on my mind. Just a little.

Playing Guitar Hero makes me want to get back into playing the guitar again, but I will probably run into the same problem I had when I first started and was playing a lot. With no one else to play with, it's hard to stay motivated to play.

Not much else for tonight, hopefully I'll have more tomorrow.

Good evening.

Guitar Hero: An Epic Tale

So I went out and invested in Guitar Hero 3 for my Xbox 360. I should be studying for finals; and writing a paper. I suppose all that can wait.

I did a lot of thinking today about the last few days, and I keep wondering if I made a mistake. Obviously I can't go back, and as much as I might want things to go back to the way they were, I know deep down inside that it would never be the same. But ultimately, I think this is what I want...just to be by myself.

On a quick aside, I think I just fixed my comma key on my keyboard! Hooray!

I don't think I ever imagined that I'd say that. I had waited for so many years to be able to finally change my "relationship status" to anything other than "single". Then, when it finally changed, I couldn't wait to change it back. Are relationships overrated? Perhaps. Maybe it stems from that problem I mentioned before about wanting to feel sorry for myself. I think maybe I would rather people see me as the pathetic guy who can't get a date and never wants to go out. That's pretty messed up now that I think about it. I know that self-confidence is important to have when dealing with the opposite sex, and I think I can act like I have all the confidence in the world without ever believing it. Most of the time though, I don't bother. I guess like they say, "fake it 'til you make it."

I know this is random, but the sneaky butler guy from the Adam Sandler movie "Mr. Deeds" is hilarious. Here is a short clip. It made me giggle.



So after two whole days back from Jacksonville, I have accomplished absolutely nothing constructive. I played a lot of Xbox and watched a bit of TV. I think all that is because of the new HDTV I bought. It's pretty awesome. But not really. Seriously though, it's sweet. I suppose it's better that I start studying. A boy can dream.

On another note, I have realized that over the past week or so, I have been eating terribly or not bothering to eat at all. I guess waking up at 4:30 in the afternoon will affect the eating schedule. I might also have gotten too lazy to cook. And video games make you want to stay in the room and not bother with food. I am beginning to hate my life all over again.

A few days ago, Mr. Horse asked if I wanted to go to Atlantic City over the winter break. I haven't been there in what seems like an eternity (perhaps 2 years?). I gave up gambling a long time ago after I realized I had a bad problem. I also promised someone that I wouldn't gamble anymore. However, it seems like she dropped off the face of the planet. Part of me certainly does miss the sheer frustration, boredom, and agony of playing poker. Part of me also misses the luxurious sheets, huge bath towels, and overly expensive paper towels of the Borgata. Unfortunately, the AC trip is planned for the same day as the Orange Bowl down in Miami. We play Kansas. That is going to be a weird game. I kind of wanted to see Tech play Hawaii. Well, I really wanted to see Tech play Hawaii. It would certainly be interesting to see their insane offense go up against our defense. A boy can dream.

But going back to the AC trip; I'm not sure if it'd be wise to go. I'm not sure if I can necessarily control how much I'll ultimately be wagering. On the one hand, if I do well, it will only entice me to return to the game. If I fare poorly, it will only entice me to throw more money at trying to win it back as quickly as I can. You can see where this is going... We'll see. I could definitely use the trip.

After coming back from Jacksonville, I sorely miss all those times I had with my amigos back in the day. Whether it was a trip to the Borgata with George or Mr. Horse, or a wedding at the beach complete with drunken debauchery hours before my LSAT, I don't think I fully appreciated those times until now. I'm here in DC, and I don't get to have those experiences anymore, unless I'm going to Tech or North Carolina or whereever to meet up with Mr. Johnson, Mr. Bales, or my brother. I don't think I'm in an environment where I can make those same kinds of friends like I did at Tech. Yes, I'm still in school, but it's just grossly different. It's strange; when I applied for law schools a few years ago, I was intent on going to a school in the city (every school I applied for was in a major city). I figured I wanted a change of pace from Blacksburg, which has that middle of nowhere-esque feel to it. Perhaps it's because I'm not actually living in the city, but outside in the suburbs, but I actually hate it here. And I fear that the rest of my life will be the same as it is now:

1) Wake up at some ungodly hour.
2) Go to school/work.
3) Come home. Go to the gym.
4) Eat dinner.
5) BS on the internet/Xbox/TV.
6) Go to sleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Now that I think about it, I had a conversation with Mr. Johnson about how his daily schedule is basically exactly like I just wrote. But at least he has a few close friends from work that help to make life a little less miserable. I don't think I have the luxury of close local friends.

So the day after finals, I get to go on a boat ride with the family for 9 days to the Caribbean. I've never been on a boat ride for that long, so I'm not sure what to expect. I did some reading, and the average age of the cruise is supposed to be in the late 30's to early 40's. Can you say cougar?

Wow, I figured that this would be long, but I didn't think it would go on this long. Truly "epic". Heh. Two days in a row, too.

Good evening.

Lost.

I guess it's been a while for me on the ol' blog, and I could have never imagined the events that transpired over the past few months. I'm slightly at a loss for words, so this post may seem random at spots. By the way, the comma key on my keyboard is now broken, and it takes a little effort type them. Another by the way, I just poured orange juice into half a glass of Mountain Dew. It is still delicious.

So I was in a relationship for the first time in my life for maybe the past month or so. Unfortunately, that ended today. I'm still not sure what to think of it quite yet. It was an amazing feeling to know that someone was interested in me and part of me feels like an idiot for giving that up. As much as I want to think otherwise, she was right; I was more interested in the fact that I was in a relationship than I was in the girl. I was so caught up in the excitement of new things that I let that drive the furtherance of the relationship. After all the years of being passed over, I always thought that I'd be the ideal mate for whoever was willing, and now it looks like I'm just another one of those chumps that I make fun of every day.

Looking back, I'm wondering why I didn't have that "interest" in her. She was an attractive, funny, and nice girl; nice family and friends, good career, etc. Certainly a catch. I think one of the reasons was that there was no initial sense of pursuit or challenge. I never really approached her or came to her with interest in more. It just came to me kind of randomly. Maybe at that time, I was so frustrated with being single that I was desperate for anything. When an opporunity came, it seemed so appealing because I actually had an opportunity. Finally, and most importantly, I think I just wanted to be single. I know it sounds really strange, but part of me wants to stay single and alone forever. It's safe and somewhat comforting. Not to say that being with someone isn't great, but maybe it's just that I would rather feel sorry for myself. I always felt that no one would be interested in me, and I still feel that way. Even though the girl tried to make me think otherwise, this past weekend brought me right back to how I normally felt.

So this past weekend, I went with Mr. Johnson to Jacksonville for the ACC Championship game. It was a great game and probably the best time I had in a long time. So while I was down there, I met this girl who was a friend of a friend of a friend. She was pretty cool, and I got her number. One might think that she would have wanted to talk to me again, but I think the alcohol may have clouded her judgment. Normally at these social events, I stay as close to the walls as possible and keep to myself. That is, if I go. "Normally", I would be sitting in my room with the TV on. Actually, looking back at that night, I think I originally wanted to go to bed instead of go downtown. Anyway, it may have been the first time that a female gave me the light of day in public. I must admit it was kind of cool, and it made the night more fun than I would have thought it could have been.

I still haven't talked to this girl yet or contacted her, and I'm not sure if I want to anymore. During the ridiculously long drive home, I had time to ponder, and amazingly enough, I reverted to my old attitudes that no girl would ever be interested in me. Even if she was, it wouldn't be practically possible, since she goes to school at Tech. Mr. Johnson is right. It would be silly.

But at least that made me realize that I didn't have the feelings for my girl that I thought I had. A good thing? Well, it wasn't fair for her to be with someone who didn't share the same feelings or interest level. I don't think I was cut out for this. I think I'm better off back up on the mountain to tend to my gardens. Forever.

By the way, I think I need new shirts.

On another topic, finals are fast approaching. I need to learn constitutional law, criminal procedure, and federal income tax in exactly 6 days. Luckily, I haven't done a lick of work all semester. I also have a 15-pager on government patent infringement due in two weeks. I have a "rough outline". In other words, I have nothing. Every day, I think about just leaving law school, switching to a ground contract, and going straight to TBS. Maybe.

The protagonist in the book, 'Candide', always says that everything is for the best. I tend to agree with that view.

I think that is it for now. Good evening.