Just one more day...

So it turns out that my sickly feeling from the last time I wrote manifested itself into a physical illness, perhaps a cold of some kind. It's the first time I've been sick in years. It probably didn't help that I decided to play golf for 6 some hours on Friday. I think it was around 35-40 degrees out. It was pretty cold when it got dark. I even got to run a PFT on Saturday morning. My 3 mile time has increased by over 2 minutes from my best time during OCS. Either I'm getting fat, lazy, and slow, or I can say that my illness legitimately slowed me down. I'd say that Mr. Johnson would vote for fat and slow.

Anyway, this weekend was relatively uneventful. I slept a lot and didn't eat much. I have been getting really lazy about eating lately. I'll either just skip meals altogether or eat Taco Bell...I had Taco Bell for lunch/dinner tonight. It was delicious. It's amazing how bad my habits have gotten lately. Before, I'd never skip a meal, and I wouldn't be too lazy to cook something to eat. Also, I'd never resort to eating out more than once a week. I really want to get back to my normal routine, but things just don't feel the same as they used to. Is this what people mean by "letting themselves go"?

I spent a lot of this weekend lying in bed watching the TV show Bones. I like it a lot. Not quite at the same level as Angel or How I Met Your Mother, but it is addicting. On the topic of TV, I hope the writers' strike is resolved this week. Hopefully the current season's shows will finish with full seasons...I certainly don't want to get DVD sets with half a season's worth of episodes.

I will add one note, which I will elaborate on in a later post this week. The GOP candidate will be the next president. The Democrats screwed themselves. (this upcoming post will probably offend a great many of you...just don't whine about it)

I also did a little bit of thinking about what happened this past month or so. I've come to realize that maybe I'm just a boring person. Not necessarily a boring person to hang out with. I'll concede that I can be entertaining. But I'm just boring from the macro perspective. I'm predictable, non-spontaneous, and not very exciting. I'd even be bored with myself. Maybe that's why she left. There was a better guy who wasn't boring, who was more fun, who was better looking, maybe drove a better car, and whatever else. And time isn't helping. I thought it would. Mr. Johnson said it would. It doesn't.

Everytime I see your face,
Everytime you look my way.
Its like it all falls into place,
Everything feels right.

Ever since you walked away,
You left my life in disarray.
All I want is one more day.
Its all i need,
One more day with you...

45

It's almost 3 AM, and I have been sitting here in my room for the last 12 hours or so. I'm definitely starting to get that sick feeling in my body, and the last time I had that was back in my gambling days when I'd lose a couple thousand in a few hours around this very same time. Sometimes I'd even get to see the sun rise the next day. It's not really an ill kind of sick; maybe more of an emotional sinking feeling.

That weekend was probably one of the best weekends of my life, and one that I will always remember. I had an amazing time with my Marine buddies, the drunk pastor, and the guy who could sing Sinatra. And to my surprise, I met an amazing girl. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the uniform, but to this day, I don't know how it happened...and I don't think I ever will. But nonetheless, I had a great time that weekend. I just wish that that memory didn't have to be ruined. I did see the girl again, and it was just as fun each time. I guess the feeling wasn't mutual.

It would have been nice to know what happened, or what I did wrong, or whether there was another better guy, but I will not have the pleasure of ever knowing. The sudden, abrupt use of the 'no contact' card might be easy when you're the one playing it, but it certainly sucks to have it played on you. No explanation, no reasons; just limbo. As I mentioned before, this is not the first time this has happened. Rewind back almost exactly a year ago. In that case however, it was a more gradual weening off, and I guess I expected it to happen. This time, things seemed to be going so swimmingly, and then I get blindsided by a bus. A BT, to be precise.

On the other hand, there was something to be gained from this, as Mr. Bales points out. I recently read an article which talked about people always envisioning each date to be "the One". I used to feel that way...I mean, why waste your time dating if you don't try to make something meaningful of it? The major problem with this approach is that you tend to get attached much too quickly and try to hard to make someone your 'One' before you even get to know them. After my recent experience, I think I got my ass kicked by this very notion. Honestly, I guess I didn't know her all that well. I didn't really know much about her past. I based my feelings for her on just a few encounters. At the time, I thought that was enough. That's why we continue to see someone, isn't it? To learn more about them...? I still think it was enough.

However, right before said named no contact card was played, I did find out some rather interesting facts which would turn many other guys away. But still, I didn't let that stop me from wanting her. Maybe a mistake? You always see on TV and in movies the guy who falls for the girl who is obviously wrong for him, and all the people around him try their hardest to make him see it. But he is too blinded by whatever it is to see the truth. Everyone told me I should have walked away, but I refused to believe them. I always thought I'd have the willpower to see through the blinders and know when to leave. Not this time, I guess. I still wouldn't have walked away.

Now that I think about it, I really suck at all this. To make things worse, I find that I'm still missing her, and I have no clue why. I think it's the burning curiousity of what actually happened to warrant the sudden no contact that bothers me the most. I have my speculations, but after a while, that will just drive you nuts. They say that time heals all wounds, but in this case, the wounds seem to heal for a little while, then break wide open at random times, just when you think you're better. (i.e. right now...)

On a brighter note, I received my grades for last semester, and it appears I did really well. I also got a job offer at a DC firm for this spring. And finally, I'll be meeting Mr. Johnson and Mr. Bales in about a week in Colorado to tumble down a snowy mountain on a piece of wood. Other than that, I hate my life.


What ever happened to the young man's heart,
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart.

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life.

No real reason to accept the way things have changed,
Staring down the barrel of a 45.



I am about halfway through my second run-through of the Angel TV series. Easily my favorite show. Eclipsing Smallville in second would be How I Met Your Mother, which I've watched through three times now, and it never gets old. I highly recommend it, if only for Neil Patrick Harris's (Doogie Howser) character Barney Stinson. I think I need a Barney (you will understand this if you watch the show). I think everyone needs a Barney.

Well, it's now 3:30 AM, and I need to be up in two hours. Good evening.